Dear God…

Okay. There’s just something about just waking up that makes me end up in complete awe of you.  Maybe it’s the realization that I’m actually alive and breathing.  Or maybe it’s just knowing that I’m so blessed when I don’t deserve it.  Actually let’s talk about that…

God, seriously.  You know I don’t deserve 1/100th of the things that you do for me.  I don’t totally suck as a human being or as a Christian.  But I know that there is just SO MUCH more that I need to be doing.  And then I have the guts to come to You and ask You to bail me out time and time again when I haven’t done very much for You lately.  Yes, I know Your word says that we should come boldly before Your throne  and that when we ask we shall receive.  But God, sometimes I just feel like a really ungrateful child to You…and that’s not cool.

So with all of my heart, I just want to say THANK YOU!!!!  And even more than that I LOVE YOU!!!  Seriously, as much as I love my earthly father, he is only a glimpse of what You are to me.  You never cease to amaze me with all that You do….smh.  You literally leave me speechless at times.  Especially when you even allow my selfish desires to come true.  Like seriously, I’m so not on this earth to make myself happy.  My mission is to show the world who You are by serving You, however you want me to do that.  But I am just so blessed and extremely grateful to have you as my Father, my Friend, my everything really.  And someone who is always there to listen to my random thoughts…and speaking of which….

Okay God, I’m like….I dunno.  I’m happy.  I am.  But I’m confused.  And it’s a good thing You know all things because I have no idea if any of this will make any sense.  But okay.  There are just so many things on my mind that I think about constantly. School, church, serving others for You, love, life in general…it’s a mess man. 

With school, I feel like you have helped me SO MUCH by way of just helping me to understand that…med school isn’t the end all be all of life!  Yes, it’s important to constantly do my best and give my all because I know You want me to be the best Physician that I can be.  But I’ve learned that balance is key man…it has to be or I will literally drive myself up the wall.  I’ve come way to close to endangering my health and my sanity because of fear and worry with this med school thin.  I can’t do that anymore!  I just can’t….that’s not the spirit you’ve put into me. You haven’t given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.  I just really need to remember this when I’m on that grind…

Then God, I’ve come to a realization.  I’m a spoiled and selfish little person, I really am.  SMH!  And it’s really SAD!  When I look at how much people like my dad invest into serving others consistently, it makes me feel SOOO inadequate!  And I guess I could argue, me becoming a doctor could possibly touch many lives in a way that not everyone has the opportunity to do.  But let’s be real, I’m totally gonna be getting paid to do that.  And I guess I could argue that the “goodness” I show to others on a day-to-day basis counts for something.  But once again, let’s keep it one hunnit:  There are people out there who are cold, hungry, not in their right minds, and searching for you.  And am I doing anything about it…not really.  What is that????  Lord, I’m sorry.  I know I MUST do better.  If we don’t take care of those who aren’t able to do it for themselves, who will???? SMH…

And then love…oh love smh.  Sometimes it’s just so frustrating and draining that I kinda don’t even want to be bothered with the whole thing…much less talk about it.  But I feel like, You really are the only one that can help me lol.  God, you knew me before I was even thought of.  You know me better than I even know myself, every little imperfection that others may not know (and You and I both know there’s a WHOLE lot of those…).  And you know my heart God.  We’ve had this talk many times before, and I feel like this has been the confirmation:  Wait.  Be patient.  I made you to love, and I will send you someone when I feel you’re both ready.  Now that lil 4-letter word right there is a hard one to swallow:  WAIT.  But God look, I know.  I know that you have so much to do with me.   I can see it.  With every year, I see major changes in who I’m becoming.  You’re not through with me…and even when You send whoever he is that you’re preparing for me, you’ll STILL be working on both of us.  But this is the kicker.  I need to really take a look at myself.  I need to realize that if I’m not seeking you first, ain’t nothin’ or no-one gonna be added to me.  There’s no way I can go around saying I want this and that in my future husband if I’m not constantly working towards those things, Lord.  Please just help me to be faithful to You, first of all.  Because…really…I believe that not only will being faithful to You prepare me to be faithful to him, but it will just make me a better servant for you.  And at the end of the day, that’s my heart’s true desire….

And what I have to remember, is what LOVE truly is.  And I love the fact that your word clearly spells it out it 1 Corinthians 13, as I was reminded at play practice Friday night.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

And THAT’S what I should be not only looking for, but trying to live out in myself as well.

Okay God, I’ve done all this talking.  I think it’s about time I listen.  I pray that you will open my heart and my mind to receive whatever words you have for me.  Please speak Lord, for your servant, T, is listening…

Love Your daughter,

T.

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